Wolfie

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?" The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little or no chance of recovery. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot). Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan . I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . . Oh, by the way..... A German scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Should I reduce my alcohol intake? No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain so bottoms up! How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Aren't fried foods bad for you? YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Is chocolate bad for me? Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Is swimming good for your figure? If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: And For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Swearing can reduce the feeling of pain By Richard Gray, Science Correspondent Published: 8:00AM BST 12 Jul 2009 Scientists have discovered that uttering swear words can help to lessen the feeling of physical pain. It might be socially unacceptable, but an outburst of swearing after a DIY mishap or stubbing a toe can actually do some good. The study by researchers at Keele University found that volunteers were able to withstand pain for longer when they swore compared to when they used words which were not offensive. Dr Richard Stephens, who conducted the study at the university's school of psychology, believes it may explain why swearing is still common place in languages around the world. He suggests that swearing could have evolved as a way of raising aggression levels and reducing the feeling of pain to allow our ancestors to flee or fight back when attacked by predators. He said: "We think it could be part of the flight or fight response. In the volunteers who swore, we also found they had an elevated heart rate, so it could be increasing their aggression levels. Increased aggression has been shown to reduce people's sensitivity to pain, so it could be swearing is helping this process." The researchers, whose findings are published in the journal NeuroReport, tested 64 students' tolerance to pain by asking them to submerge their hand in a tub of ice water for as long as they could while repeating a series of swear words of their choice. They were then asked to carry out the task again while repeating non-offensive words they would use to describe a table. One subject, however, had to be excluded from the trial because they could not suggest any swear words. They found that volunteers who swore were able to keep their hands submerged in the water for an average of 40 seconds longer. When questioned about their perceived pain they also rated it as being lower. The researchers also measured the volunteers' heart rate and found that it increased while swearing. Dr Stephens said that the result was the opposite of what they had expected as most psychologists suggest that swearing is a symptom of "catastrophism", where there the drama-queen inside everyone takes over. He said: "Swearing is quite an emotional form of language and it is an almost universal human linguistic phenomenon. When my wife was in labour with our daughter she felt the need to f and blind at one point, but was very apologetic afterwards. The midwife said they were used to that kind of language on the delivery ward, so it got me thinking. Our research shows one potential reason why swearing has developed and why is persists."

An ad featuring roller-skating babies performing back flips and dance moves in their nappies has become an online hit. The 60-second clip, shot at London's famous Pinewood Studios as part of a global television and web campaign for Evian water, has already been viewed more than four million times on YouTube. One of the men from the special effects team behind the commercial said real-life babies who could barely walk were placed in front of green screens before being transformed into CGI tots. "[The team] would have rocked the baby gently backwards and forwards with a particular break dance move in mind," Ludo Fealy of the Motion Picture Company was quoted on CBS News as saying. A professional skater was filmed performing various stunts before a computer-generated baby's body was replicated to perform the same moves. The heads of the real-life babies were then added to the digital bodies. The entire sequence takes place in a CGI-generated version of New York's Manhattan Park with a remix of the Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight" playing in the background. Evian's international bran director Michael Aidan said the company was trying to sell water drinkers "a dream". "Consumers expect more from a big brand emotion, dream … this is what we want to achieve — hence this breakaway and back to roots campaign." Evian used CGI babies in a commercial 11 years ago where the infants performed an underwater ballet. Roller Skating http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7dRRFoPvH0 Underwater Ballet http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCOcjWG6Ykc

Drunk badger blocks German road 03:19 AEST Thu Jul 9 2009 German police called to clear a road of a dead badger found the animal in question had in fact gorged itself on over-ripe, fermented cherries and, blind drunk, staggered out into the middle of the road. "The animal's stomach had turned the fruit to alcohol and the badger was, to put it crudely, drunk as a skunk," said a police statement on Wednesday. "In addition, the badger was suffering from diarrhoea studded with cherry stones." Prodding the reluctant beast with a stick, officers managed to persuade it to leave the road near the town of Goslar in north-western Germany and to sleep off his night of excess in a nearby meadow. "It could not immediately be established whether the badger got into trouble with his wife when he came home in such a state," the tongue-in-cheek police statement concluded.

A few thoughts on cat baths...by The Cat: 'But You Said You Loved Me!' 'You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.' 'You call this water warm???' 'I don't think I like you anymore.' 'You Lied !!!!!!' 'E.T. Phone home......quick!' 'No, I'm not your Good Little Kitty anymore.' 'Traction....I'm losing Traction!' 'I want my Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!' 'No, no, no, no.....NOOOO!!!!' Even if you're not a 'cat person' these pictures are priceless!!

It starts off with a rendition of a thunderstorm but leads into the song, it's worth watching. If you want to get to the song part, skip to 01:45. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjbpwlqp5Qw Warning: Do NOT turn up your volume, it starts off with almost no sound but it does increase in volume!

TRAFFIC LIGHT Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. DIVORCE Postgraduate in School of Love. PIONEER Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. PEOPLE Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. SWIMMING POOL A mob of people with water in it. SELF-CONTROL The ability to eat only one peanut. SALESMAN Man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL Person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC A person who believes he is everything you know you are. FOREIGN FILM Any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western. OPTIMIST Girl who regards a bulge as a curve. MAGAZINE Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. COLLEGE The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. EMERGENCY NUMBERS Police station, fire department and places that deliver. OPERA When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings. BUFFET A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

Entrants Required for KISSING Competition 7 minutes, non stop and not just a baby kiss I mean a 7 minutes French kiss. You know...tongue and everything and win... £5,000.00 voucher from Thomas Cook Travel, £4,000.00 G&R furniture voucher, £3,000.00 voucher from Leather Zone, £2,500.00 voucher from Ikea, £2,000.00 from Diesel and £1,500.00 from Next, And last but not least £10,000.00 in cash money. FOR THE LADIES..... Please reply if interested FOR THE GUYS ...... Come on, don't be shy!!!!!! You could use the money for a holiday ......

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now... nobody has made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research the results are in: REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent....................................12 Calories Without her consent..............................2,187 Calories OPENING HER BRA: With both hands......................................8 Calories With one hand.......................................12 Calories With your teeth....................................485 Calories PUTTING ON A CONDOM: With an erection.....................................6 Calories Without an erection..............................3,315 Calories PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris..........................8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot........................4,092 Calories POSITIONS: Missionary..........................................12 Calories 69 lying down.......................................78 Calories 69 standing up.....................................812 Calories Wheelbarrow........................................216 Calories Doggy Style........................................326 Calories Italian Chandelier...............................2,912 Calories ORGASMS: Real...............................................112 Calories Fake.............................................1,315 Calories POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging................................18 Calories Getting up immediately..............................36 Calories Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If yhou are: 20-29 years.........................................36 Calories 30-39 years.........................................80 Calories 40-49 years........................................124 Calories 50-59 years......................................1,972 Calories 60-69 years......................................7,916 Calories 70 and over...........................Results are still pending DRESSING AFTERWARDS: Calmly..............................................32 Calories In a hurry..........................................98 Calories With her father knocking at the door.............5,218 Calories With your wife knocking at the door.............13,521 Calories Original image attached.

Got an email with a newspaper clipping in it. Did a small search and found it at snopes.com where's it's labeled as "Undetermined" for its validity. The quoted sections below are copied from snopes.com and the article can be found here: http://www.snopes.com/love/dating/golddigger.asp The original newspaper clipping that I received can be found at the bottom of the page.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcQflrT304g

N*Shout Upgraded the shoutbox to one that is made for this version of the software.. and kept all the old shouts too! Enjoy!

Better pissed off than pissed on.

Baseball

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