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Rotten gifts for Christmas


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I remember growing up and I'm sure that everyone will agree that when growing up, there'd always be at least one gift that was just sucky, to put it kindly.


Rules for gift giving:

  • Fruit cakes: You don't eat them, don't give them to me. I remember reading somewhere that it's believed that there is only one fruit cake in existence, and has been the offending fruit cake for decades, possibly centuries. If you aren't going to eat it, then why the hell do you think I will? If it's going to be edible, then fatten my ass with delicious foods, like chocolates!
  • Clothing: Make sure that either the person wants it, or that it's something you know they'll like. This is especially important when it's a kid. Underwear and socks do NOT count as gifts! If you are out of gift ideas, or if you are low on funds, think of something else. I refer you to the above rule (chocolates are cheap and always welcome!)
  • What the freak is with the gift cards (aka gift certificates)? Just because you shop at some fancy schmancy clothing store, where the cheapest item is $30, doesn't mean that I go there too. Besides that, how am I supposed to buy anything when the gift card is for $15? Seems like you have stock and shares with them, if you are pulling that crap. GIVE ME COLD HARD CASH INSTEAD! Not a mere $15 neither. Give me the $100 you were going to spend when you couldn't think of a gift for me.
  • Again with the money... If you donated some money to a charity, giving me the credit for it.. That's your fault, not mine. Don't give me a gift saying that you did that for me. Not only did I not get to choose the charity, but also, that's stupid! How would you like it if I went up to some drunk homeless person, gave them $20 and told them it was from you. Would you thank me for that as your gift from me? I doubt it.
  • On a related note... Next time, if you're out of ideas on what to get me for Christmas, then get me a bag of coal. Not too heavy please. Just heavy enough that I can go find some random charity, knock the people upside their heads and then take back that money you donated "in my name".
  • Gifts that require batteries? Don't tell me that another one of your gifts to me is going to be the batteries I need. Worse yet, someone else giving me the batteries as a gift. Either wrap a large supply of the necessary batteries with the gift, or give them to me directly.
  • Dependent gifts. These are the ones that require you to have something special in order to use them. If you buy me a starter kit for an iPod, then make freaking sure that I either have one, or that I'm getting one. I'm not going to go out and buy one, so don't go buying apple stock expecting to make a sale.
  • What the hell is with gift bags? Wrap the shit up in paper so that I can rip it off. That's the main fun of opening a present. Just make sure the wrapping paper isn't from China, I understand that there's an issue with their putting lead in everything.
  • "Some assembly required"?!? Okay, simple enough. YOU gave it to me, YOU assemble the damn thing. Meanwhile, I'm going to go somewhere else, munch on the chocolates, count the cash from other people and enjoy the other non-clothing gifts that I received.
  • Cards without cash... Should be illegal. Well, depending. If it's attached to a decent gift, that's fine. But if the card is the only thing, or if the only gift(s) are crappy, then your ass better run, because that bag of coal from earlier is going to be knocking your ass out cold.
  • Calendars... If it's decided that one person will give me a calendar, that's cool. But if you don't check with others, so I end up getting 2 or 3 or 12, OR if you give me one that is stupid or doesn't click with my interests, then again, you need to haul ass to avoid that bag of coal I'm about to hit you with.
  • Books... If you must get me books, don't get me stupid shit like books for school. That's not a gift, despite how much you insist it's a "gift of knowledge". Shut up! Give me good books, like Garfield collections, Mad Magazine archives, Calvin & Hobbes, Foxtrot, Dilbert and other fun or entertaining books. If you insist on giving me a p.o.s. book as a gift, make it the Complete Works of William Shakespeare. That way I can knock it upside your head, leaving you in a coma while I kick your ass around.
  • Hygiene products - are NOT gifts. Giving me brushes, combs, shaving kits, etc are stupid gifts unless I ask/need them. If you want to give those sort of gifts, then go make friends with a bearded lady, or some guy that you want to make out with. If you're going to insist on a gift of hygiene, make it a book about farting, and how to fart stinkier, fart louder and fart more often.
  • Chocolates - I know I said to give chocolates earlier, but that's for GOOD chocolates. I love good chocolates. Don't give gifts of 'international chocolates of the world' or some shit like that. I really do not want to eat chocolate covered worms, liver disguised as chocolate, etc. I really don't care how much of a 'delicacy' they are in other countries. You won't eat the shit, so stop trying to con me into eating it.
  • Imitation products - if I want a DVD of some movie, don't get me the generic rip-off version. It's bad enough that it's not the movie that is great quality and such, but it's worse when it has no-name actors and actresses in it and only adds insult to injury when the hottest chick in the movie is not only half-way decent looking, but has the least amount of on-screen time. Get the real deal. So what if you have to spend another $2 to get it. Saving those $2 to buy shit is the same as flushing that money down the drain anyway. If you can't afford the measly $2 more for it, then give me a gift card or better, give me the cash and tell me where you saw it. That way I can not only buy it somewhere else for half the price (because you insist on shopping at those stores where a stick of gum costs $30), but then I can knock your ass out with that bag of coal and then count the remaining cash while sitting on your comatose body.
  • Gag gifts - Ha ha, funny. A 'how-to' book for wiping my ass with toilet paper or a "do it yourself facelift" kit. Ha ha, real funny. Better have a real gift coming my way, or I'll use that facelift kit on you and shove that book up your ass.
  • Return to giver gifts - If you want something for yourself, then buy the damned thing for yourself. But don't buy it for me, only to ask to borrow or use it, when we both know that I'll never see it again or more importantly, I never would have used to begin with. Giving a gift that you borrow (for keeps) doesn't count as giving a gift.
  • Slave gifts - Buying me a gift to do you a favor with isn't a gift either. If you want someone to vacuum your house, then hire a maid service. Don't give it to me at your place and then be like "hey try it out in this other room, it really needs it." Do it your own damn self, while I go out with your wallet and buy myself a real gift.


Yes, some of these are funny, but the point is serious. Just had to vent that from when I was a kid.. And older.


Please feel free to add to the list if there's something I missed. :P

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