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The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put some vodka in the water pitcher. When I start getting nervous, I take a sip. After a few sips everything goes smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink, then proceeded to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon his returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. It read:
- I said SIP, not gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
- The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. YAY God!"
- David slew Goliath, he didn't "Kick the shit outta him."
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- Don't refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the Boys."
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
- The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
- The Virgin Mary is not "Mary with a cherry."
- And last, but not least, next Wednesday there is a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's Church, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's Church.
