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The nervous priest

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he could relax.


The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put some vodka in the water pitcher. When I start getting nervous, I take a sip. After a few sips everything goes smoothly."



The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink, then proceeded to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon his returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. It read:

  1. I said SIP, not gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
  5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. YAY God!"
  6. David slew Goliath, he didn't "Kick the shit outta him."
  7. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  8. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
  9. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  10. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  11. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the Boys."
  12. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
  13. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
  14. The Virgin Mary is not "Mary with a cherry."
  15. And last, but not least, next Wednesday there is a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's Church, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's Church.

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