Dish

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Man, I really should come here more often. Clerks II: Rated R. If you bring it home and let small children watch, that's your fault if you don't like kids seeing/ hearing it. And wow. If I were going to use Clerks II as a reference, I would've used the whole donkey show scene instead. Seriously, though. The kiddies will hear worse on friggin network TV. And that's HEARING it. Words are just words, made offensive by soceity. I've never censored my kid from the real world (by real world, I mean this doesn't include things like porn). She's 17 and she turned out fine.

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?" Don't laugh, he won!

hey gimme a break. I wanted to play a game.

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ...... ? ? ? ? ? A Misdewiener!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. 'I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, there are many things waiting for him at the door: A thank you card and a dozen roses from the florist A thank you card and a dozen donuts from the cop A thank you card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful" from the Republican and a dozen democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

Wake up from that dram, wolfman.

Geez, if you both were of consenting age, I'd tell you to go get a room.

Well, what would you like me to reply, then, since what I said just angers you? No we don't choose who we fall in love with. But you apprently have issue with his job (a VERY important job at that) and if he's like all the guardians I've ever met, that job is a big part of who he is. I just hope the things you say here don't get said to him. I'm sure his two months out is no picnic for him either. Just be glad technology is better than it was 10 years ago and you can still communicate with him on a regular basis. It used to be much worse.

lol, I totally read this wrong the first time. "Is it really hard to tell the girl, 'I like what I'm feeling'." *snort* Oh yeah, topic. Men suck. Be a lesbian. *nods*

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent. The last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. 'Who is it?', calls one of the nuns. 'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. 'Nice boobs,' says the man, 'where do you want the blinds?

Was he Coast Guard when you married him? You must've known what you were getting in to.. *Salutes the Guardians*

An oldie but a goodie.

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas," the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered, untitled.bmp