Dish

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Man, I really should come here more often. Clerks II: Rated R. If you bring it home and let small children watch, that's your fault if you don't like kids seeing/ hearing it. And wow. If I were going to use Clerks II as a reference, I would've used the whole donkey show scene instead. Seriously, though. The kiddies will hear worse on friggin network TV. And that's HEARING it. Words are just words, made offensive by soceity. I've never censored my kid from the real world (by real world, I mean this doesn't include things like porn). She's 17 and she turned out fine.

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?" Don't laugh, he won!

hey gimme a break. I wanted to play a game.

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ...... ? ? ? ? ? A Misdewiener!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. 'I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, there are many things waiting for him at the door: A thank you card and a dozen roses from the florist A thank you card and a dozen donuts from the cop A thank you card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful" from the Republican and a dozen democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

Wake up from that dram, wolfman.

Geez, if you both were of consenting age, I'd tell you to go get a room.

Well, what would you like me to reply, then, since what I said just angers you? No we don't choose who we fall in love with. But you apprently have issue with his job (a VERY important job at that) and if he's like all the guardians I've ever met, that job is a big part of who he is. I just hope the things you say here don't get said to him. I'm sure his two months out is no picnic for him either. Just be glad technology is better than it was 10 years ago and you can still communicate with him on a regular basis. It used to be much worse.

lol, I totally read this wrong the first time. "Is it really hard to tell the girl, 'I like what I'm feeling'." *snort* Oh yeah, topic. Men suck. Be a lesbian. *nods*

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent. The last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. 'Who is it?', calls one of the nuns. 'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. 'Nice boobs,' says the man, 'where do you want the blinds?

Was he Coast Guard when you married him? You must've known what you were getting in to.. *Salutes the Guardians*

An oldie but a goodie.

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas," the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered, untitled.bmp

That's right. That's how us old farts talk. Respect yer elders, you whipper snapper you! *shakes cane*

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it comes!'" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay!"

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed. About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat. The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

*sigh* you whipper snappers and your lack of clean humor sense..

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Wow, 1999. Wonder what that dude's doing now?

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'" A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?" The member of the flock said, "I sure could." "How would you do it?" "With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

aaaahahaha.. I read that as "dating" himself. *hides my 50s Elvis collection*

I gotcher back girl! ReprAsent!