Wolfie

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?". She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." One FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again. "No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Having the spouse around, because then at least I could get laid once in awhile. Would you rather have a massive headache or an extremely upset ie PAINFUL stomache ache?

A Canadian hunter was out in the forest looking for bears. He saw a brown bear in the distance, so took careful aim with his rifle and fired. It was a well-aimed shot, and the bear dropped dead. There was a furry tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a 200-kilo black bear. "Excuse me," said the bear, "I couldn't help but notice that you just shot my cousin. Now you've got a choice. Either I can maul you to death, or you can let me shag you." Not a great pair of choices, but the hunter figured that he'd rather not die, and opted for choice #2. The bear duly had its way with him and wandered off. The hunter staggered home. It took him a week to recover. Once he was better, he went back to the woods, tracked down the black bear and shot it dead. Another furry tap on his shoulder. Behind him this time was a 400-kilo grizzly bear. "You've shot my cousin," said the grizzly. "Either I maul you to death, or you let me shag you." Cornered, the hunter opted for choice #2 again. This was worse than before, and it took him nearly a month to recover. However, once better he went back into the woods, tracked down the grizzly and shot it dead. Another furry tap on his shoulder. Behind him was a 1000-kilo Kodiak bear. "Admit it," said the bear, "you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

URL: http://www.youtube.com/v/aL6ysSActVU This one is awesome.

Bitten by a dog. Then I could sue the owner and get lots of $ for the pain. Would you rather get run over by a car and then die in the hospital or flattened by a car-compactor?

STEAKS PLEASE! Would you rather be constipated or always smell like shit?

Sure that they're not farting?

Wishes. Then I could wish to win the lottery and end up with more money than that. Then I could wish for unlimited wishes. Followed by living forever and that no matter what, I'd never be unable to make a wish. That way I'd have wishes for the rest of my life and could never get stuck into a situation where I couldn't make a wish (like being trapped under a building or something else that would normally prevent me from making a wish). Would you rather live long but in horrible health (say 100yrs old, constant pain), or die younger but in great health (say 60, can outpump Arnold Schwarzenegger)?

Note: I received this from IceBlade. I mentioned to her that she should post it here but since she hasn't, I'm posting it. NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE!!! In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

I got a baaaaaaaaad feeling about this topic...

Enjoy spending your N*Bucks.

Yeah ok, you're not spoiled...

I have 3,225 and you have 1,225. How did you beat my score when my score is higher?

The only thing strong about you is your spoiledness.

No. You're wrong, not strong. You owe me $50.

Ok, gimme the $50.

I'd have already tossed you in, so keep dreaming.

What'd you do to get your tail banned from the phone?

It's an automated thread maker. Makes a topic for each new game.

Legend of Zelda - Can of Whoop Ass . You are Link and have 2 minutes to stay alive and kill some bad guys. see in game Slash some bad guys .. http://www.n-raged.com/arcade/images/zeldacowGC1.gif

SpongeBob's Bumper Subs Stay away from Jellyfish and watch out for Whales! See in game Have a whale of a time playing bumper cars Bikini Bottom-style. http://www.n-raged.com/arcade/images/bumpersubs1.gif

Qix READ IN GAME! READ IN GAME! Classic Qix game http://www.n-raged.com/arcade/images/qix1.gif